Where's the happy medium between emos and Elmos?

I hate it when people ask me if I'm a happy person.

In the Merriam-Webster Dictionary alone there are four definitions, with dichotomatic synonyms of lucky and fit. Wikipedia categorizes happiness into religious, philosophical, and scientific and psychological views. The founding fathers wanted to give us the right to pursue it, and Buddhists seek it through utter detachment.

So how do you want me to define "happy," exactly?

Much like the initial stages of love, I like to think of happiness as a transient emotion brought on by chemical reactions in the body. When you feel a sense of excitement or pleasure, endorphins are released and send signals to your brain, which in turn releases dopamine, telling you that whatever just happened is a good thing -- this is all that I consider happiness. It's a series of chemical reactions that take place in response to direct or indirect external stimuli.

While perhaps taking a little of the magic out of the fantastical notions of a "happy person," I think it holds true. The ultimate effect of dopamine release is a relaxed and euphoric state, which is quite close to the first definition of happiness on Google: state of well-being [relaxation] characterized by emotions ranging from contentment to intense joy [euphoria].

Conventional logic would dictate that to be a "happy person" (whom we will now refer to as Elmo), one must experience a consistent dopamine flow to remain in this "happy" state.

Are we all on board so far? Fantastic.

I'm going to step aside for a moment and direct your attention to the screen on the right. Illustrated here you'll see, of course, the effects of dopamine on the brain processes that control movement, emotional response, and the ability to experience pleasure and pain. In the case of a dopamine release brought on by endorphins signifying pleasure, movement is slowed, pain is suppressed, and ultimately works as a depressant, such as heroin, on the body.

We will now be returning to the main program.

As I'm sure you've pieced together at this point, an Elmo would eventually become little more than a smiling zombie, quite similar to any dreadlock-ed Rastafarian you'd find sitting on some beach in Jamaica bumming joints off a scuffed '70s Marley vinyl murmuring, "Don't be so polarizing, man, spread the love."

So am I a happy person? No. I'm a content person. I'm content with my life, my friends, my family, and my future.

Being a happy person sounds too dangerous to me.